A Heavy Weight

Do you like that super dramatic running photo? Yeah me too. You're welcome.

I know I've been fairly transparent in my efforts toward wellness when I was “rocking it,” but I would be remiss if I did not also share my failures and shortcomings. Because humanity and life are not always perfect and not always a perfect success story, recognizing and giving yourself grace in all things keeps us humble and reflects the grace we've been given in Christ.

January 2013 I started a journey of health and fitness. There were ups, and there were downs, physically and emotionally. I struggled my whole life with my weight, largely due to a lifestyle of comfort eating and mind-numbing laziness after my father passed away when I was a child.

Before I embarked on this journey, my life was a cycle of failed efforts, shame because of the failure, and falling deeper into those habits to deal with the shame(much like other issues in life really). During my journey, it was much the same. I was driven by performance, striving for the numbers on the scale and my identity being held in “the girl that beat the odds and obesity,” instead of true health and treating my body as a gift from God. I sometimes cut my calories to unhealthy levels. I sometimes obsessed over working out, and if I missed a day felt quite a bit of guilt. I lived in fear that I would be injured or that I would fall back into bad habits…I didn't want to be that story—the girl who lost all the weight and then screwed it all up. And it was never good enough—I enjoyed the new muscle tone and energy and smaller, better-fitting clothes, but I was still discontent. And I believe that even if I hit 110 pounds on my 5’6” frame(which, granted, would be underweight as well as ridiculous on my relatively muscular build), I would still be unhappy and still find something to critique.

And the fact is that I HAVE taken a step back…when I was diagnosed with sciatica last spring, my mind blew it way out of proportion…my fears had been realized, and I was off the wagon...no dusting myself off and doing what I could to manage the diagnosis until I could figure something out. I quit. And I’ve dealt with a lot of guilt for not being on the regimen and quite a bit of fear that I would never get back on it (from years of that hopeless pattern). And to be honest, it’s genuinely really nice to not want to work out and flake on the gym. It’s easy to spend that extra hour completely immobile. And it’s REAAAAALLLLY great to eat food that’s not even remotely healthy. Literally every 32 of my teeth are sweet teeth.

And I’m tempted to regret my step back….especially knowing what hard work it will be to step back into it, but I’m thankful for the perspective that comes from removing one’s self from living how one was created to live . The contrast is motivating…if you have a faith or spirituality, it’s much the same. When you’re disciplined in walking in that faith and clinging to the hope and joy it brings, you’re less easily shaken because you’re lingering where you were meant to linger…and sometimes it’s only after you get out of that habit that you realize how beneficial it was to be where you were. Having been off the wellness wagon, I remember how much better it was to be physically disciplined: how much energy and strength I had, how much more centered I felt, and how rewarding it was knowing that I was honoring God with my “temple.”

Having shared all that(in my typically verbose manner), I’m excited to start back, excited for the challenge and the benefits. I’m learning that women in particular strive for perfection-our culture and media paint an often completely unrealistic, unattainable picture of the perfect physical specimen as the only option to love yourself and to consider yourself worthy of acceptance, and although both genders face this pressure from the judge’s chair of society, women arguably feel this weight(pun intended) to a more extreme extent. 

Going forward, I want to go about this journey differently…I want to have a firmer focus on HEALTH….with the knowledge that I am beautifully and wonderfully made and that I am a soul and far more than my physical appearance and that I want to live life to the fullest possible and as long as God decides to keep me here, I want to strive and thrive. I want to be a champion of living in the truth that your identity is not in your weight whether you’re underweight or obese but also in the truth that God’s design is best. I don’t want to obsess over performance or success in endeavors because Christ’s love covers all letdowns and weaknesses and is arguably proclaimed louder in them. Here’s to living in the freedom for which He has set us free and running the race, both literally and metaphorically, set before us.

Go in peace, this weekend friends. Thanks for tuning in.