My Name is Martha

It’s a cliché reference, but there’s a reason clichés are clichés. Martha and Mary. Picture it in your head. Jesus sits in a chair talking, spewing wisdom most likely. Martha(picture of me most of the time) runs around the house with frazzled hair, a mess all over her apron or whatever else they wore in the first century, a haggard face with sweaty brow. She is trying to prepare the house for Jesus. I’m sure she’s freaking, catching spots that she’s missed cleaning here and there, realizing she forgot the sugar in the bundt cake(pretty sure this is not historically accurate), and good Lord, she hasn’t washed and changed yet for Jesus. You can just picture her, exhausted, plopping down on the ground, legs splayed, and sobbing, the tears forming rivulets through the dirt on her face. The camera pans to Mary, her sister. Mary sits at the feet of Jesus, calm, cool, and collected with a look of illuminated peace on her face. She knows that Jesus(metaphorically) has already cleaned the house, has already washed everything clean and fresh and new. He has proclaimed that the most important of His commandments is to LOVE Him. It’s because Jesus is smart and knows that if we love Him first, if we inundate ourselves with Him, the work will come naturally to us after because He has been preparing us for it as we sat in awe.(Luke 10:38-42)

“UGH, I messed up AGAIN.” “I’m not good enough.” “I don’t deserve this.” “What’s wrong with me?” “Am I really saved?” “It would be easier just to give up…then at least I can’t disappoint myself…”

These are thoughts, I think, that plague most of us. My dad died in a car accident when I was 9, and although I’m not one for psychobabble(OK, let’s face it, I love psychobabble), I believe that going through that ordeal where I felt like I was out of control leads me to have a nature that craves control. If you know me, you know I like to have a plan, in advance, preferably with all potential issues considered and taken care of. My purse is always prepared with Swiss Army Knife, floss, Tide-To-Go stick, and AAA membership. I don’t even like to ride the bus to campus, because if there is a shooting or a natural disaster, I don’t want to be stuck without a car to escape. I have no great love for group projects, because it gives part of my grade into someone else’s hands. I’m an open book when it comes to struggles and my life story, but it takes a long time for me to actually put stock into someone and to rely on them. I am a creature of control.

This is why I struggle so very strongly with trying to serve God on my own, ALWAYS failing. When I fall, I try to pump myself up and tell myself I’ll try harder next time…I WILL beat that temptation. A month later, a week, sometimes even the next hour, SPLAT goes my face into the pavement. I consider myself a fairly resilient person, but at some point, it gets to be extremely discouraging. The guilt and shame build up, I think “Surely at some point Jesus must get sick of me slapping him in the face, driving the nail deeper into his hand, saying to Him, “I don’t care enough about You to follow You well…” The guilt eventually leads to a place of despair…Why even try if I’m just going to mess up anyway? LIES. All of them.

The problem begins with my mindset of trying to do it on my own. I like to think that I’m relying on God to work through me, and so I think “Well…am I broken? Why isn’t God transforming my heart through His Spirit? Is this lack of fruit indicative of a lack of Spirit?” but when was the last time I read my Bible again? When was the last time I actively was “renewed by the transforming of my mind?(Romans 12:2)” When was the last time I FOUGHT for my relationship with Christ to be at its fullest potential? I think that’s what it comes down to. YES, at some point, we have to make a choice, and you have to make it daily. We have to make a choice to foster the romance with Jesus. All of the ingredients are there; we just need to trust the recipe. He has promised that if we seek Him earnestly, that if we pray, if we immerse ourselves in the Words of the Creator of the Universe, if we pray for truth and wisdom to be revealed to us and desire to be stirred in our hearts, that He will not disappoint. We need to take the cliché tidbit “Stand up and dust yourself off and try again,” to heart. NOT that we can change ourselves, but we need to quit letting the shame cripple us.

On a side-note about shame, it’s crap. He has paid the price. And every single person sans Jesus who has ever walked the planet has deep dark sins and ridiculous insecurities. Take my word for it; I guarantee, even if they aren’t aware of them. My challenge to myself and to you is to bring whatever you’re struggling with into the light. You don’t have to stand in front of a room with 12,000 people and declare your worst filth. But Satan works in secrecy; He’s sly and will do everything to fool you and those around you. If we were honest with ourselves and with each other and acknowledged the fact that we all have dirt under our rugs instead of pretending like we had it all together all the time, I think we could start battling together against “the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places,(Ephesians 6:12)” instead of trying to outperform each other. I pray that God would point out in us the things that need refining and give us strength and courage to lay them out on the table, knowing that He has already defeated them.

And we need to pray for God to squash our pride. Good ol’ CS said that “Humility is not thinking too highly of yourself or too low of yourself; humility is not thinking of yourself at all.” If you’re like me, putting stock in my performance, when you’re seemingly serving God “well,” you can’t help but feel a little(or a lot) proud of yourself…and like God is a bit happier with you today. And when you’re failing and stumbling all over the place, it’s “I am such a failure and evil and full of sin.” While TRUE, both mindsets are prideful! In both situations, we are thinking of ourselves.

And we can’t by ourselves change the way we think, but God has given us so much truth in His Word to counteract the lies we shoot ourselves in the foot with. It’s a matter of if we use them, renewing our minds, to gain perspective. And it IS truth. When I am walking with the Lord, when I am filling my mind not with TV, movies, facebook, all the other crap we waste our time with, and instead studying the Bible, fellowshipping with the blessings He has put into my life, reading another author’s take on our faith, letting myself revel in God’s revelation of Himself in nature, or listening to songs that sing His praise CONSISTENTLY, my whole outlook changes. I experience inner-peace in every situation, I love better, I find it so much easier to follow The Way. He has DESIGNED us for fellowship with Him which is why when we are living out that purpose….everything is better..Heaven on Earth if you will. We can stop beating ourselves up. We can rest in His perfection and in the work He has completed and the victory that He has won. We can find joy as we get to see Him refining us, preparing us for His divine purposes. PRAISE the LORD.

Shalom,

Jeremiah 9:24

“But let the one who boasts boast about this:
that they have the understanding to know me,
that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness,
justice and righteousness on earth,
for in these I delight,”
declares the LORD.”